the donk-shaped hole in your heart

Posted: March 20th, 2008 | Author: | Filed under: Sukjong | 1 Comment »

Forget the time capsule, the cryogenic seed bank — If I were in charge of the next wave of post-apocalyptic memorializing I would just make sure that this sale on was preserved for public viewing.

Unveiling the…. Badonkadonk. Not that badonkadonk (which until recently I had no idea was shorthand for ‘big ass’). No, this is the Badonkadonk Land Cruiser, on sale for only $19,999.95! (shipping not included)

A personal battle tank for the off-road enthusiast, sheathed in the aesthetic of the future-past (‘rust patina’), and tagged under ‘donk’ and ‘fresh whole rabbit,’ I have to agree, yes, there is something about the combination of big wheels, big guns, and big money that starts up the salivary glands.

184 customers reviewed this product. The Badonkadonk is clearly a hit with homicidal soccer moms, vigilantes, separatists, Jesse Helms, people who like to grill, and those cruising for Star Wars fan badonkadonk. Not surprisingly, it is also seen as the heartier alternative to the FEMA trailer on the mean streets of New Orleans. But it has its drawbacks, of course: 2 miles to the gallon, guns cost extra, and why doesn’t it come in Candy Red?

Really, when I think about it — the subprime mortgage crisis, the rise in home security systems, the precipitous drop in bowling league memberships across America — it is all too clear that we’ve been under the spell of the Badonkadonk for a long time. I’m just glad that now I have a single word for it. All the hours I’ve wasted rambling on about “the single-family house, car, backyard, 2.3 kids” when I could have simply used “badonkadonk.” And “sprawl” sounds so bland in comparison, a dry and colorless word for spatial cannibalism. But “badonkadonk” evokes an entire way of life and the premium sound system that goes with it. When people talk about “saving up for badonkadonk” I would know they are not just talking one unforgettable night with a trafficked person.

And here it is, in its natural habitat:

But for those of us who believe in comparison shopping, there are also dealers of baddboyz and Soviet-era Urals, Zils, Tatras, and Pragas. Bringing the war home means bringing it IN STYLE.

One Comment on “the donk-shaped hole in your heart”

  1. 1 brosa said at 11:44 am on March 26th, 2008:

    customers who bought think item also like “butt/face soap.”

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